If you could have glimpsed into my heart these past few days the emotion you would have seen first and foremost was anger. I've been plain old mad at disease, specifically congenital heart disease. I'm mad that so many children are asked to endure difficult and complex surgeries; mad that medical science can't fix every child's heart; mad that Cutler passed away; mad that Maddie passed away; mad that the Mary Bridge PICU is FULL of heart babies.
I've been like Jesus' disciples in John chapter 9, trying to find the fairness in it all. In their lack of understanding, they ask Jesus, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
Jesus' response to his followers has stripped me of much of my anger. "'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.'"
How many times have I said how thankful I am that God is using Luke's unfolding story to draw our family and others to Him? How can I let my anger overwhelm my faith when God has given us this incredible purpose? Like I'm sure the blind man didn't love being blind, I don't think God expects me to love heart defects, but He does expect me to love Him. And that means choosing sight — seeing how God is working for good — instead of blind anger.
Although my anger is less potent, I am still incredibly sad for the families who have lost their children. But sadness can glorify God, too. It can make us all the more dependent on the True Comforter and all the more anxious to spend forever with Him in Heaven.
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I love you, Jess. And I love your posts.
ReplyDeleteI find that the times I feel exactly how you do now are the times when I'm thinking of our life here on earth as being what we were created for. But we were created for eternal communion with God. Sin is what's holding us separated. So if I lift my eyes to Heaven and long for the home that I was created for, it makes my perspective change and be a little jealous of those who have gone to live with our Father before I have.
ReplyDeleteI too get angry with the fact that these little kids have to go through so much. Maybe that's God's image and hatred toward our sinful world coming out in our emotions. I only hope that the trials refine us (parents and children alike) to be more like God himself and show our sinful world about God's character.
I still wonder about how our head knowledge of such facts and our heartaches are suppose to go together. Maybe that will only come to true understanding in eternity.
I have to believe that God cries for us when we go through such trials. Jesus cried with compassion.
Oh, the questions. I guess if we knew all the answers, we wouldn't search our Him anymore.
Angie
I couldn't have read more perfect words right now. Thank you for sharing them!!
ReplyDeleteI'm having one of those days today...glad to read your thoughts parallel mine. So sorry about Cutler, it's always such a difficult realization when a fellow heart baby passes, how lucky are we to still have our babes and why??? Thinking of you. Heart hugs-
ReplyDeleteKatie
PS- Sorry about the weird email, have no idea how that happened except someone/something cracked our password to our email. Frustrating!!! We were on vacation too- let's talk soon!