Friday, September 20, 2013

"I really scared"


There He goes again, taking my worries and my "what-ifs" and throwing them out the window. How many times on this blog alone have I gone through the process of worry, pray, worry, wait, let go, take it back, worry some more, watch God do His thing, apologize for my lack of faith, and finally, thank God He is in control and not me.

I think this is why God tells his people to "Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates."

We have to know his words and promises to shorten the time between worry and trust. I'm not sure I'll ever be one to say, "Oh, I don't struggle with worry. Not even a little." But I do believe the more I recall God's faithfulness, the easier it will be to hurdle my anxiety and rest in His goodness.

In His goodness, He gently reminds me: 

"Do you not trust how much I love this child?"

My biggest worry heading into first grade was how Luke would transition to full-day school. I could never have imagined a transition so smooth. He has blown my socks off, even wanting to wait for the neighborhood bus to play with his friends as soon as we get home.

There have been no morning tears, no afternoon meltdowns (on Luke or his mama's part).

I have to interject on myself — I wrote that above sentence about one day too early. We had a major meltdown Wednesday after school. It was a doozy, but it was over quickly and he was ready to go again.

This is Luke's teacher, Ms. Culver. She exudes joy and love and is one of the most thoughtful people I know. She and my husband have taught together for over 20 years and my heart fills with joy when I think about Luke in her care each school day.

Here is Luke with Daddy, Ms. Culver and "Uncle Alan". Alan and Roger have team-taught for 23 years, with a retractable wall between them, open a majority of the time. Every year, these three super-teachers have taken a first day of school picture, and Luke got to join in this year.

How lucky is he?!

Lately, my little miss has been scared of her shadow, along with just about everything else. Any noise made she thinks is a monster and she needs two lamps on in her room to sleep. "I really, really scared, Mama."

You know what I tell her? It's exactly what God tells ME when I'm really, really scared: "I am with your always. I am bigger than your fears."

I so desire Laney to know deep in her heart that God's love casts out fear; that she can rest in His arms because He is faithful.

Even at two, we develop these fears that want to distract and distance us from God. If Satan can get us to focus on what we're afraid of, then we can't possibly focus on God. What an example Mary has been to me this week, especially as we gear up for Luke's cardiology appointment next Wednesday.

An angel comes to her (crazy in itself!) and tells her that she has been chosen to carry God's own son.

"But how?" she asks. Many of us wouldn't have even stuck around to ask this very logical question. But she asks and receives an answer from the angel that would terrify me:

"The Holy Spirit will come upon you,
    the power of the Highest hover over you;
Therefore, the child you bring to birth
    will be called Holy, Son of God."

What would this mean for Mary? Her and Joseph's reputation would be ruined. An unwed pregnant woman in those days could be stoned for her indiscretion. She would lose friends, family and eventually, her son.

Here is where her example blows my socks off. Without hesitation, she says yes. For her, the joy of obedience far outweighed the negative ripples that would come. The distance between her question of "how?" and her obedience was short. Mine is not that short, but I'm working on it and practicing trust this week as we near Luke's appointment.

I could dance around and around with all the possible outcomes of this appointment and still, where would that leave me? With aching feet and no more control than I started out with. God is so good to use my daughter's fear right now to speak to my heart. At (almost!) 35, I am having to learn the same lesson as her. And He is so gracious to be patient with me.

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